What to Do When Emotional Regulation Strategies Don’t Work for Your Neurodivergent Child
by Melisa
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As a child therapist here in Dallas, Texas, I have taught hundreds of parents how to reflect feelings. It is truly one of my go-to skills. It is easy to learn, simple to implement, and a great first step in your parenting procedure. The goal of reflecting feelings is to send a message to your child that you understand what they are feeling.
When a person feels understood, it often turns down the volume on their emotional reaction, helping them regulate and respond to whatever situation is happening. Many children with ADHD or autism experience emotional regulation differently than neurotypical children, which can change how these strategies work in the moment.
Why Reflecting Feelings Works for Many Kids
For example, I had the following interaction with my child when he was about 4 years old:
Daks: “Mom! My brother was blowing bubbles, and they got in my face! My eye was stinging!!”
Me: “Oh gosh, well first of all is your eye okay now?”
Daks: “Yes, it's fine.”
Me: “I’m glad. You are really frustrated that your brother wasn’t watching and got bubbles in your face.”
Daks: “Ya! It just made me mad!”
Me: “hhmmm”
Daks promptly ran off to rejoin his brothers, who were playing, and started laughing immediately.
He didn’t need me to solve any problems or reprimand his brothers. He just needed to be heard and understood. Now, this doesn’t work all the time, but it can be a powerful tool in your bag of parenting hacks that helps minimize tantrums, reduce time spent in conflict, and get everyone back to homeostasis.
This skill isn’t new or surprising. Open Instagram, and you will see any decent parenting coach talk about reflecting feelings. And to be honest, this skill isn’t even really about the kids. It’s actually a tool to help parents stay regulated when their children are escalating. It gives parents a formula for responding calmly rather than reacting to their child’s emotional elevation, which, in turn, can help the child regulate as well.
However, after doing this for several years, I have heard it time and time again: it doesn’t work. Parents report to me all the time that reflecting feelings just makes their kid more mad and irritated. It doesn’t seem to have the effect we want. Parents quickly feel defeated and lost because they don’t know what to do instead of reflecting feelings. They are also feeling confused about why this doesn’t work.
Read on because I am going to discuss a few reasons it might not work and what you can do instead.
Reasons Reflecting Feelings May Not Work for Neurodivergent Children
Neurodivergent children often feel emotions intensely
Many neurodivergent children feel things very quickly, which keeps them from being able to understand what they are feeling. Most of these kids are also impulsive, including in their feelings as well as their actions.
Sometimes it is sensory overload, not emotions
Many neurodivergent children literally feel pain from sensory overload. If it is too bright, their eyes can hurt, or they can get a headache. If it is too loud, they can feel physical pain. Sometimes, what looks like anger or sadness is actually discomfort.
Misinterpretation of words
Sometimes, when you repeat your child’s feelings back to them, they feel as if you are mocking them or being sarcastic. On the one hand, check your tone and make sure it matches the feelings word. Also, make sure you are genuine. If you feel annoyed but you are trying to reflect feeling to convey understanding, all your child is going to understand is that you are annoyed.
Kids are much more right-brained than left-brained, so they pick up on emotions and intentions almost subconsciously. If you genuinely are empathizing with your child and they are still interpreting sarcasm, then reflecting feelings at the height of emotion isn’t a tool that will work for your child. Wait until they are calm and regulated.
Some neurodivergent children struggle with alexithymia
Alexithymia is struggling to identify and name emotions. Since they cannot figure out the label for their emotions, which might be several, we get their feelings wrong when we reflect on them. When you don’t know what you're feeling, it is also hard to confirm if the reflection is accurate. The reason for this is linked to number 1. When kids feel emotions quickly and intensely, there is no time to process and name them.
Demand avoidance
Many kids with ADHD or autism fit the demand avoidance profile. This means when they are given a demand or a command like, “Go do the dishes,” their first instinct is to say no. They feel an intense need for autonomy, and when someone tells them to do something, it feels like a loss of autonomy, which increases anxiety. Being told what you are feeling fits in this category.
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Learn About Melissa
Hi I'm Melissa! Ever since I was young, I’ve been passionate about helping families grow stronger together. At Wellnest Counseling, I combine my expertise in play therapy and parenting support to bring peace and joy to your home.
What Helps Neurodivergent Children Regulate Emotions
Okay, so now we understand why reflecting feelings doesn’t work. What do we do instead?
For many of these kids, starting with regulation is key. While reflecting feelings can help some kids regulate, neurodivergent kids might need a more hands-on approach. For example, going for a walk, carrying something heavy, or being in a quiet space.
Figuring out the “why” can also help regulate more quickly. Skip naming the emotion and just figure out why your child is dysregulated. Is it sensory? Perceived injustice? Hunger? Figuring out the why can lead you to solutions that, in turn, help with regulation.
Use visuals instead of words. Words can be too much for kids because now they have too many options to choose from. Instead, point to a wheel of emotions or pictures of feelings to help identify what's going on.
You can also ask permission before stepping in. For kids who struggle with demand avoidance, asking for permission can be a key way to help regulate them.
Say something like, “I notice you're struggling. Can I help figure out what's going on?” This opens the door to cooperation.
When It Might Be Time to Seek Additional Support
If your child is often having trouble regulating, it might be time to seek help. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to helping children learn to regulate emotions. Working with a therapist can provide specific approaches that are unique to your child and your family.
At WellNest Counseling in Dallas, TX, we tailor therapy to each family’s needs. If you feel like you've done all you can, followed all the parenting advice on Instagram, and read all of Dr. Becky’s books, give us a call or have a look at our Psychological Testing or Child Counseling pages. We’d love to chat with you to see how we can best help!
